THE EARLY YEARS

Nigel Wakefield and Clive Wigglesworth first met as 9-year-olds in the working-class London neighborhood of Shepherd’s Bush. Clive’s mum had sent her young son door-to-door on their street in the search for a sheep’s stomach, as she was preparing haggis for the holidays. Upon seeing the bespectacled redhead at his front door, a horrified Nigel quickly slammed the door, rapidly compressing Clive’s big toe in the process. The ensuing scream marked the first time anyone had heard Clive’s clear, angelic tenor potential. Straightaway, Nigel asked the carrot-topped lad to join him in the local Anglican Church boy’s choir.

MUSICAL INFLUENCES

The two became fast friends and often spent afternoons in Clive’s basement listening to American rock and roll recordings. They were especially impressed by Buddy Holly, Chuck Berry, Little Richard, The Everly Brothers, and Rockabilly artist Carl Perkins, but also listened with fascination to some of the more obscure bluesmen like Howling Wolf, Screaming Jack, Gasping Jerome and Expectorating Rufus. (Nigel and Clive were to pay homage to these artists by liberally borrowing and repackaging their ideas throughout their songwriting careers). But it was not until Nigel received a cheap nylon-string “Li’l Elvis” guitar in 1961 that the two began to harmonize together.

FLEDGLING PERFORMERS

The 1962 Shepherd’s Bush Secondary School Annual Spring Talent Show marked the historic moment when Nigel and Clive first performed together, wowing the crowd with their rendition of The Everly Brothers’ hit “My Prom Date’s Dead”. This impressive debut was followed by a long list of appearances at local churches, rest homes, weddings, and bar mitzvahs, finally culminating in a performance at the grand opening of a Wimpy’s Hamburger restaurant, where they caught the eye of legendary talent scout Desmond St. Dickie, who had successfully launched the careers of local magicians, balloon-folders, plate twirlers and assorted trained-animal acts. St. Dickie was able to secure a recording contract with Bloody Hell Records, a small independent label, even agreeing to pay for lunch if Nigel and Clive picked up the costs of renting the studio and actually pressing, labeling, and distributing the records.

UNEXPECTED SUCCESS

The boys managed to raise the money by selling everything they could find in their parents’ homes, finally cutting their first single “Please Squeeze Me” in January of 1963 (The lyrics were changed to “Please Please Me” when The Beatles released their version later that year. Nigel and Clive were never given writing credit, as will be explained later). After unsuccessfully pitching the record to  BBC radio, they finally caught the attention of  Simon “Big Goiter”  Pratt,  owner of a popular nightspot in London’s trendy Soho district, who signed the lads to a management contract and convinced BBC radio that it would be “in their best interests” to give the song air time, which they did by March of 1963. “Please Squeeze Me” became an instant hit, with screaming fans flooding the radio station’s switchboards, demanding to hear the catchy tune again and again. The uproar led to a public outcry to release Nigel and Clive from the juvenile detention facility where they were being held for the thefts of their parents’ possessions. Bloody Hell Records released them from their contract, which allowed them to sign with a larger label, Black Pudding Records Ltd. In time to release their second creation “I Wish to Embrace the Appendage At the End of Your Arm”, which experienced sluggish sales until The Beatles re-released it as “I Want To Hold Your Hand”.  Nevertheless, demand for Nigel and Clive music remained high, and they released their first album “Meet Nigel and Clive” to popular and critical success.

ED SULLIVAN

By the end of 1963, Nigel and Clive’s reputation had reached across the Atlantic, finally catching the attention of impresario Ed Sullivan, whose weekly variety show was the top-rated program in the United States at that time. Pratt reached an agreement with Sullivan to feature Nigel and Clive on the show in January of 1964, for which they would be paid the then-unheard-of sum of $3,750.00. Meanwhile, hysteria over Nigel and Clive had reached an all-time high in the U.K. Virtually anywhere they went the lads were mobbed by dozens of star-crossed female fans, leading one local journalist to coin the term “Nigelmania”.

SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS

On January 3, 1964, Nigel and Clive at Heathrow Airport, ready to board BOAC flight 171 for New York, when Clive was stricken by a vicious bout of indigestion. Although Nigel has always blamed this bout on Clive’s over-indulging on his mother’s bubble and squeak the previous evening, this has never been proved conclusively. Regardless, Clive somehow managed to lock himself inside a toilet stall in the Heathrow public men’s room, and although every effort was made to extricate the poor bloke, it was not until their plane departed that they were able to make it to the gate. Panic ensued as they were not able to get another flight in time to appear on the show. Luckily for Sullivan, but tragically for Nigel and Clive, The Beatles happened to be in New York at the time, and were signed as an emergency replacement. Although they were primarily known in England as a Nigel and Clive “tribute” band, The Beatles, to their credit, performed admirably on the Nigel and Clive standards “I Want to Hold Your Hand” and “I Saw Her Standing There” and the rest, as they say, is history.

MYSTERY OF THE MISSING MUSIC

As if missing the flight was not enough misfortune, Clive remembered that in all the excitement he had left all of the duo’s original music in the Heathrow loo. Upon returning to the scene, he discovered the music missing. All of the brilliant songs they had composed over the preceding years had vanished! It may never be known who was responsible for the theft, but this much has been established by eyewitnesses: Brian Epstein, who was at that time the manager of The Beatles, was booked on the same flight to New York. It is likely that he visited the loo at some point, whereupon, according to unimpeachable sources, he MAY have noticed the unattended portfolio and MUST have immediately realized its importance. He COULD have tucked  the portfolio into his overcoat, boarded the plane, and forced Nigel and Clive to miss the flight when they were forced to return to the rest room after realizing that their music was missing. This much is certain: Many of the songs written by Nigel and Clive later became some of the Beatles’ biggest hits, and also helped launch the careers of dozens of British Invasion bands that followed, including The Rolling Stones, The Kinks, Herman’s Hermits, The Animals, The Hollies, The Zombies, Gerry and the Pacemakers, Manfred Man, The Dave Clark Five, The Yardbirds, and The Who.  None of these groups ever credited Nigel and Clive for their contributions, nor did they return any of their ill-gotten royalties.

FURTHER ROTTEN LUCK

Desperate to set the record straight, Nigel and Clive hurriedly arranged to fly to the United States the very next day, but discovered that their passports had been seized by the British government. While never confirmed, rumor had it that Princess Margaret was cheesed off over the “knickers incident”* and requested that the lads be inconvenienced in return. In fact, the visas were not returned to them until 1969, whereupon they hurried to the states, only to learn that they had since been utterly forgotten, and that the British music craze was long over anyway. Unable to find work as musicians, and without enough money to purchase a return ticket, Nigel and Clive were forced to accept any work they could find, and took positions as short-order cooks at H. Salt, Esq. Fish and Chips in San Jose, CA., where they were to labor in obscurity for the next 38 years.

A DREAM IS RE-BORN

Despite their misfortunes, Nigel and Clive never gave up on their dream of regaining the fame they once enjoyed. While their jobs paid hardly a farthing, they always managed to save a few pennies each day, which they tossed into a jar upon returning to the rented hovel in San Jose. One night in 2007, after dropping the ten millionth frozen cod filet into the deep-fat fryer, Nigel decided that the time was right. Counting the accumulated pennies, he discovered that he had enough money to buy an amplifier and two microphones, enough equipment to allow them to start performing again. Thus did Nigel and Clive tender their resignations at H. Salt and begin their ambitious BACK FROM OBLIVION tour.

THE BAND TAKES SHAPE

Since Nigel and Clive were guitar players, they needed a bassist and drummer to complete their ensemble. Unable to interest any experienced drummers in their fledgling enterprise, they heard a rumor about a mysterious drummer who was raised by wolves in the forests of the nearby Santa Cruz Mountains. Further investigations revealed that the story was a wild exaggeration, and that the boy had actually been raised by feral dauchshunds. Staking out his lair in the woods, Nigel and Clive were able to distract the dogs long enough to capture the naked man in a blanket and transport him back to their flat. When the thorazine wore off, they learned that the boy was a deaf-mute and, thanks to his affinity with his dog troop, was able to play the drums flawlessly using only his sense of smell. They cleaned him up, dressed him, and dubbed him “Beano” for reasons that remain obscure. Nigel and Clive wish to advise their fans that Beano is quite harmless, but for safety’s sake, one should keep one’s hands and feet away from his mouth.

Their bassist, Basil Mountbottom was another story entirely. The heir to the Mountbottom Flour fortune, Basil fled his native land after the tragic 1973 Plymouth Batter Disaster when dozens of workers lost their lives in the fish and chips industry’s worst industrial accident. Landing in America, Basil eventually made and lost a paper fortune, launching the website bangersandmash.com.  Mountbottom reasoned (wrongly, as it turned out) that British expatriates all over the world would want to order their familiar British foods on-line for home delivery. It took two months after launch for the site to book their first and last order (for spotted dick) and that from Basil’s mother in Chelsea.

Now complete, the band was dubbed “Nigel and Clive And The British Invasion”.

THE BIG COMEBACK

Work was scarce in the beginning, but slowly, the Lads from London began to perform in front of live crowds again. No venue was too small or insignificant. In fact, their first job was in the glove box of a Hummer parked in a driveway in Campbell, CA., which led to even larger opportunities in broom closets, kiosks, and converted basements. Soon, the boys found themselves in greater demand, and were surprised that they could actually collect appearance fees rather than pay them. Among their more successful appearances:

1. Singing the national anthem at a San Francisco Giants baseball game (true!)
2. Performing at the home of a California State Senator (also true)
3. Performing at the San Mateo County Fair (quite true)
4. Playing at the Half Moon Bay Pumpkin Festival (undeniably true)
5. Performing for the Queen at Buckingham Palace (possibly true but British security laws prevent verification).

At each venue, “Nigelmania” was definitely in evidence!

*”Knickers” incident”: In 1963, Nigel and Clive were among the invited guests at a reception for Princess Margaret at Whimpley Hall. When Clive, after waiting in the reception line for 45 minutes, finally came face to face with the Princess, he intended to compliment her with the comment “I’d really like to be in YOUR shoes”. However, by the time the intended words worked their way through Clive’s twisted brain and out of his lips, they had morphed into “I’d really like to get into your knickers!”  Through the years Clive has stubbornly maintained his innocence but the damage had been done.

What people are saying about Nigel and Clive:

“Really Fab!”

M. A. Faithful, singer

“They are SO Nigel and Clive!”

P. McCartney. Bassist

“These lads ARE the British Invasion!”

T. Blair, P.M.

“They ROCK!”

P. Frampton, guitarist

“When you listen to the music of Nigel and Clive, you are instantly transported to a magical time when any music from England was instantly popular even if it sucked big time”.

J. Hendrix, deceased

“I would LOVE to find these guys!”

S. Patel, landlord

“Nigel and Clive! Nigel and Clive! Nigel and Clive!”

W. Blutarsky,  college student

“Wankers and Sods!”
- M. Jagger, alleged musician.

FURTHER READING

Those interested in learning more about the history of Nigel and Clive are directed to the following sources:

The History of Western Civilization, by Alexander Pompous, Simon and Schuster, NY, NY Chapter 35: “Giants of Western Music”.

The British Invasion, by Paul Revere, Boston Press, Boston, MA.  Chapter 18, “What is that noise?”

The Beatles: Pop Icons or Big Phonies? By Nigel Wakefield and Clive Wigglesworth, Shepherd’s Bush Kinko’s, London.